Pitches and Queries - Part Deux

This is not the first time I will delve into pitches and queries. It will not be the last time. Last time, I posted a few tips and query fails as found on twitter.

Today, I will show you the singes and burn marks from passing a pitch to a willing victim... err... volunteer.

Meet the nice folks over at @Seagman on twitter. You never know if you are talking to Aaron or Scott, but they are both great folks with equally great senses of humor. Aaron was nice enough to be cornered and take some time out of his busy schedule to rip apart a query.

As my experience with queries is limited, I wrote a query specifically for the purpose of education. My education. Now, your education. As I am shameless, I will post the entire thing for you to learn from. There are some purposefully seeded #queryfail moments. (Which Aaron caught and lectured about. I guess it is a good thing that I have thick skin.)

Now, onto the query in question:

The query itself is 166 words long. This is also a #queryfail in a whole, but it was a first attempt at a serious query.

The first noted #queryfail is the fact that Aaron does NOT represent the science fiction and fantasy genres. He represents more along the lines of mysteries, thrillers and suspense. However, this is a common issue. I was astounded to discover just how many people would query out of genre. While this was a controlled experiment, done with Aaron's blessings, I strongly suggest that you do NOT do this. Learn from the ripping of this critique. These are the immediate thoughts of an agent reading the query. Do you REALLY want an agent thinking these things about your writing? I didn't think so.

When I wrote the query, I had not intended on including any manuscript with it. Why? This was an experimental query. That said, as I was about to hit send, I decided on sending a blurb along with it. Aaron seemed to enjoy ripping through it, so I'll share with you the importance of sending only POLISHED works to an agent. By polished, I mean, spit-shined polished. That manuscript better have more luster than a pearl. I am not including the entire section that I included with the query email. I don't think I could survive the embarrassment. Yes, it is a rough draft. No, I'm not happy with said rough draft. No, it was never meant to be sent to an agent. Ever. Ah, well. The things I do for the craft.

Dear Secret Agent Man Aaron,

In a single night, three hundred years of history burned to the ground.

Propelled by hatred and racism, Danar sought the annihilation of Kelsh and her people. Unprepared and undefended, the city of Heliash toppled, her inhabitants slaughtered, captive or on the run.

Mari had returned home expecting a warm reunion with her mother, father and siblings. Instead, she found plumes of dark smoke coiling towards the uncaring sky and the stench of death. Her decision to fight her way into the city to find her family's fate hurls her into a living nightmare.

Lost, alone and despairing, Mari discovers the Tower of the Rising Sun. Never found by those seeking it and never granting its power to those who desired it, the Tower was both legend and myth.

What Mari did not expect was the high price the Tower would demand.

Burdened with a pledge unbreakable even by death, Mari must stop the demons of Danar, even if it means the destruction of her soul.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Rebecca J. Blain

Faint screams drifted on the gusting winds of the Sariano plains. The acrid stench of burning flesh assaulted Kari, the force of it so great she yanked her horse to a halt. The dark mare tossed her head and snorted, ears laid back. Falling over the saddle’s horn, she clutched at her mouth with a hand, fighting the waves of nausea that sought to overwhelm her.

Kari blessed the stars and the sky that Luna was so well trained. Legs braced in place, the horse patiently stood as she struggled to sit upright. Kari’s lungs burned as she choked and coughed. While the smoke was not thick, the putrid odor was so vile that her stomach churned despite her best efforts.

Her throat swallowed and convulsed as she sat up. Days of sweat and dirt had a unique and disgusting scent of its own, but it bought her the precious moments to steel her nerve and her guts.

After all, days on the road without a bath gave her plenty of time to adjust to that smell.

With the dark tendrils of night falling over the plains, she did not dare kick her horse into a gallop to climb the hill and discover the source of the sounds and scent. Turning Luna into the wind, she settled on a sedate walk.

_Goddess above, what is happening here?_

Kari knew the stench of decay or of burning bodies but that did not make it any easier to endure. She had survived two wars that bore more death and hardship than she wished to remember. The smell was reminiscent of the aftermath, the sacrificial pyres of the dead so that the survivors might not die of disease even as they recovered.

--

Now, onto the critique.

Dear Secret Agent Man Aaron,

This should be just Aaron, or Mr. Montaine to impress my mom.

In a single night, three hundred years of history burned to the ground.

Nice opening line. No, really. I like it.

Propelled by hatred and racism, Danar sought the annihilation of Kelsh and her people. Unprepared and undefended, the city of Heliash toppled, her inhabitants slaughtered, captive or on the run.

This is kind of interesting, except . . . why? Besides the whole hatred/racism thing, why does Danar want to annihilate Kelsh? That's not something you hear every day. Also, is Danar male, female, a unicorn? Is Kelsh a city or a queen? And I'm not sure what Heliash has to do with Kelsh, Danar or the unicorn.

Mari had returned home expecting a warm reunion with her mother, father and siblings. Instead, she found plumes of dark smoke coiling towards the uncaring sky and the stench of death. Her decision to fight her way into the city to find her family's fate hurls her into a living nightmare.

Danar, Kelsh, Heliash and now Mari . . . I'm already getting dizzy. I suspect Danar took care of Heliash, and is now going after Kelsh, and Mari is, I assume, going to be the savior. I'm pretty sure most skies don't care, so to specify that this particular sky is "uncaring" is a bit of over-writing. Also, hurling into a living nightmare is not very specific or descriptive. Is she tortured? Raped? Forced to watch Dancing With The Stars? Those are living nightmares.

Lost, alone and despairing, Mari discovers the Tower of the Rising Sun. Never found by those seeking it and never granting its power to those who desired it, the Tower was both legend and myth.

This is a bit confusing since she's lost, yet finds a tower no one else has found. She should buy a lottery ticket. And if she finds it, it is technically no longer a myth. The language is nice, but it doesn't tell me anything. What is its power? Why does everyone want to find it? And since the House of the Rising Sun was a brothel, I can only assume the Tower of the Rising Sun is going to get busted by the cops any day now.

What Mari did not expect was the high price the Tower would demand.

Yeah, this is vague too. I get that Mari might have lost her family -- that's a big deal. Everything else is a nicely painted mish mash of nothing. I don't know what it means, and you really haven't given me a reason to care. I should care, I want to care, but I don't. Why should I give a hoot about Mari and her missing family if there are thousands of other people burning, dying, watching Dancing With The Stars? I want to give a hoot. I have too many and I'd hate to throw them out. But Mari? She doesn't deserve any of my hoots.

Burdened with a pledge unbreakable even by death, Mari must stop the demons of Danar, even if it means the destruction of her soul.

The most concrete part of your plot yet: Mari must stop the demons of Danar. But why? Okay, I understand they're demons, and stopping them is a good thing, but she must stop them? Who said? And what would happen if she didn't? Would that high price the Tower demanded get a 25.7% APR added to it? And if it destroys her soul, wouldn't that put a damper on family reunions? I mean, a soulless Mari would just sit there and eat all the Pringles.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Word count? (I know you don't have one yet, but it's nice to pretend.)
Rebecca J. Blain

Okay, gotta go. Dancing With The Stars is on.

But wait! There's more!

Faint screams drifted on the gusting winds of the Sariano plains. The acrid stench of burning flesh assaulted Kari, the force of it so great she yanked her horse to a halt. The dark mare tossed her head and snorted, ears laid back. Falling over the saddle’s horn, she clutched at her mouth with a hand, fighting the waves of nausea that sought to overwhelm her.

Is this part of the other thing? Because it's not helping. A "gusting wind" is kind of like a "smelly fart" -- redundant and highly reminiscent of my Uncle Olaf, who was gusty in many different ways.
I don't know how a stench can assault someone, since it can't hold a club. Unless you were referring to Uncle Olaf.

The last two lines are kind of confusing since the dark mare snorted, then apparently clutched at her mouth with a hand, which means this is one special horsie. I believe you meant Kari was about to barf, but that's not what it says.


Kari blessed the stars and the sky that Luna was so well trained. Legs braced in place, the horse patiently stood as she struggled to sit upright. Kari’s lungs burned as she choked and coughed. While the smoke was not thick, the putrid odor was so vile that her stomach churned despite her best efforts.

The second line is also confusing because it's not clear who is struggling, Kari or Luna. It gets cleared up in the next line, but the confusion is still there.


Her throat swallowed and convulsed as she sat up. Days of sweat and dirt had a unique and disgusting scent of its own, but it bought her the precious moments to steel her nerve and her guts.

Okay, we get it -- three paragraphs about stinky. And it's not quite clear how her own stink gave her nerve.


After all, days on the road without a bath gave her plenty of time to adjust to that smell.


Is this really how you want to start your novel and introduce your character? Kari The Smelly?


With the dark tendrils of night falling over the plains, she did not dare kick her horse into a gallop to climb the hill and discover the source of the sounds and scent. Turning Luna into the wind, she settled on a sedate walk.

If it's all so putrid, wouldn't she go downwind and around the hill so she wouldn't have to revisit her lunch?


_Goddess above, what is happening here?_

I don't know what those little underline thingies are doing there. Just italicize it.


Kari knew the stench of decay or of burning bodies but that did not make it any easier to endure. She had survived two wars that bore more death and hardship than she wished to remember. The smell was reminiscent of the aftermath, the sacrificial pyres of the dead so that the survivors might not die of disease even as they recovered.

Back to the stink? I know the creative writing teachers emphasize using the senses, but some of the others would be nice.

--

Can you smell burned feathers? Those are mine. Once again, let me comment on the importance of never, ever sending a draft to an agent. Many of the problems that Aaron points out here I correct in edits and revisions. The draft is just that: draft. It isn't meant to see the light of day.

There was a line I bolded and italicized. Why? It is my favorite.

You will get burned as you write your queries. Take a moment and learn from mine. You can also learn from @Janet_Reid and her awesome @queryshark. I strongly recommend following Janet, her shark, Aaron and Scott. You won't regret it.

You will see a mention of using _ rather than italics. I had been fussing with an easy way to find out where I was using italics in a file and they were throwbacks. I typically use italics! That said, look at your agent's submission guidelines. Some agents absolutely do NOT want to see italics. Others want to read it as they would read the novel. Watch your submission guidelines very closely. Remember, if you do not prove you are capable of reading their guidelines, the agent will not believe you are capable of writing.

As a fare-thee-well, I leave you with a gem from twitter:

@Seagman Will the owner of a query missing a name, address, etc, but sent from the email "ILoveMyShnookies" please claim it in dumpster. Thanks.